From My Better Half: This Happens to Me All The Time

This is Stuart's post.  I just added the picture because I love it!

The door creaked as I tried to enter the house after everyone was asleep.  Each degree the doorknob turned took (what felt like) a millennium in itself as the virtual eons passed.  The hinges on the door were not old or worn, but they squealed like a stuck pig as the door floated open wide enough for me to enter the house.  Knowing that I had made more noise than a monster truck rally, I placed my items by the door, closed my eyes, and waited to make out the noises of people stirring upstairs.  Minutes go by…nothing…success.

I tiptoed to the kitchen to grab a glass of wine before I settled into bed.  This evening’s class was more demanding than usual.  The professor had covered some abstract topics in organizational motivation in first world “think tanks” and compared those techniques to Chinese prisoner management.  The comparison didn’t seem to make sense and there was no metaphor that he could create that couldn’t get us to understand his point-of-view.  We had just nodded and went along with the lecture.  I spent more time daydreaming on what different three dimensional shapes would look like if you turned them inside out than I did the last hour of my lecture.  Suffice to say, the wine was sorely needed tonight.

I opened the pantry and grabbed a bottle at random.  I let my eyes glaze over the seductive curves of the bottle.  From the thin and highly decorated neck to the fat bottom that even Brian May and Freddy Mercury would sing about, I knew this Cabernet would be glorious.  I removed the foil like a boy unwrapping a Christmas present and gently slide my corkscrew into the bottle.  I soon found out that finesse would not work with this lady.  I kicked in my animal instincts and rang the neck of the bottle like a chicken.  In a moment of pure adrenaline, I broke the bottom of the bottle on the countertop and drenched myself in the love of Dionysus.

“I give up…I’m going to bed.”

I climbed the stairs and crept into my room.  I proceeded through my evening hygiene routine, got into my pajamas, and placed myself into bed.  My wife rolled over and kissed me on my cheek.  Leaning in, she shouted...

“Excuse me Mr. Bankey!”

Startled, I said, “Oh, crap!”  I will never fall asleep in class again…