Hello everyone, my name is Stuart and I am Haley's husband. Today, I am going to teach you how to trick to your wife about one specific subject: cooking. I know what you may be thinking, "why would you ever trick your wife? Don't you love her?" Well, yes. I love my wife very much and I want her to enjoy my cooking… even though it sucks. Thus, for the her happiness, I had to be creative when tackling this issue. Below is my man's step-by-step guide into getting her to think you can cook. Your going to have to do this at some point anyway so just read below.
First off, let me give you a warning. You need to make sure that you are only tricking your wife about your cooking. Do NOT mess with her about anything else or she may kick your ass and leave you broke in the subsequent divorce. Understood? Great! Let's move on.
Step 1: Learn what you are bad at cooking and what you are good at cooking. Try to cook the stuff you are good at as often as possible. For most dudes, this means Kraft Mac' n' Cheese, hamburgers, hot dogs, steaks (for some men), instant rice, and anything that can be microwaved. Try to maneuver yourself so the nights you are made to cook fall on the days you have the ingredients for YOUR dishes. If she doesn't want hot dogs again, talk to your kids and have them convince her that's what they really want. You can substitute friends if you don't have kids. The rule of thumb on substitution is that it takes 2.178 friends to every 1 child substituted. I've done the math very carefully, so you can just remember that conversion and be fine. If she is on the fence you can use the phrase, "I can't believe you are not going to let ME cook what our child(ren) want for dinner." It should work, but don't use it too often because it has a long cooldown and is subject to diminishing returns.
Step 2: Learn the "Treat You" technique. If you are out of hot dogs, steak, etc., then you can take her out to dinner to 'treat her" after she's had a long day. This does 3 things that work for you. First, it gets you out of having to cook anything. Second, your wife gets to choose where to go so she can try something she's been wanting to do for a while. Third, no one has to clean up afterward and there might be leftovers. Overall, this is a very good strategy for misdirecting the evening away from you having to use the rest of the techniques.
Step 3: The "family night" scenario. You can use this one mostly on the weekends, since the kids won't be on a school night and everyone will have more free time. In this instance, you can bring her attention to the fact that everyone is home and you could use this as an opportunity to bring the family closer. "Hey honey, since everyone is here. Why don't we order some pizza, put in a family movie (such as Finding Nemo, Star Wars, or the Expendables), and spend some time with the kids." You can exponentially increase the pressure on her to cave to this technique by having your kids and their friends in the room. Once they hear pizza and Nemo, the only way you can fail is if you mention board games after that. No one sticks around for board games unless your living in the 50s.
Step 4: In the event that the other strategies presented haven't worked for you, the only option you have left is…the grill. Whatever she wants you to cook at this point needs to be on the grates of that bad boy. Brussel Sprouts? Grill them. Cassarole? Grill it. Quiche? Grill it. It could be the most awkward food ever conceived and it will be passable if you grill it. I know what you may be thinking, "but Stuart, I don't know how to grill. What do I do now?" Let me take this opportunity to say something that you should have
heard a long time ago…shame on you. Your lack of interest in charring items makes me a little sad. Do you remember the crying Native American in the commercials way back when? He wasn't crying because someone littered. He was crying because he found out that you can't grill. I digress; if you are not good at grilling, then still put the food on the grill. Over-season it so it won't lose all of the flavor after you extinguish it and that will take you far. If anyone complains, you can just use the phrase "that was how my mother taught me to cook it." No one will pick on your mom unless they are heartless.
The worst (best?) case scenario that could happen is that you follow the steps, everyone hates it, and you aren't nagged to cook for awhile. It won't last forever, but you can just run down the steps when it comes back up. Well, I am off to figure out how to keep shallots and a red wine-truffle reduction from falling through the grates again.
What can I say, I raised this man. I'm kind of proud and kind of disturbed at the same time!!!
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